Last week the girls and I headed up to Oregon to spend some time with my family since we hadn’t been up in awhile. That’s a whole ‘nother post in itself once I get caught up on this blog, but we’ll save that for later. We split the drive up on the way there, stopping at my sister’s in Boise, and again did the same on the way back. We were caravanning on the way there, but we were on our own on the way back.
I was a little nervous to do the drive by myself. When I was in college, I had no problem driving to Oregon through the nite – alone – to surprise my family. Now? I’m ready for a nap about 15 minutes after we’ve left our house when Josh is driving. Maybe it’s because I know he’s got it under control? But I figured with some good music, enough Diet Coke, and three little people depending on me, I could do it.
On the way back, we were driving through eastern Oregon. I was listening to Taylor Swift, and singing my heart out, and one of her songs just got to me. It made me feel all teary and grateful for my children. So of course, I listened to it over and over for about the next half hour, getting progressively teary and progressively more grateful.
You see, I haven’t really been the best mommy lately. Harper still isn’t sleeping through the nite (and has had some pretty horrible nites as of late), so I am so tired all the time. My hormones are still crazy from having her. I’ve just felt ‘off’ for the past little bit. And the ones who get to deal with this are my poor, sweet kids. As I was listening to this song, I was feeling so sad that I haven’t been cherishing them like I ought to. That I haven’t been enjoying every second of them being small (even the ones that aren’t so fun). That I’ve been too tired and crabby to appreciate them dressing up, or playing well together, or wrestling, or giving each other hugs and kisses, or just wanting to be around me. Mommy guilt can be a powerful thing, but I think it was totally warranted and a good thing this time around.
It gets tough sometimes, having three little kids this close together. I need to remind myself that this isn’t going to last forever. They aren’t always going to be little and innocent. They aren’t always going to want to be around me. They aren’t always going to be amazed and excited over the smallest things.
My girls are so precious.
Who else, besides this beautiful Reece, has so much enthusiasm over everything? She appreciates every little thing. She is always telling me she loves me, saying thank you, calling Remi ‘sweetie’, and being such a good helper. I just love her, and I want her to always know it.
Who else, besides this beautiful Remi, can bring a smile to your face with her cheesey smile? Remi is such a happy little girl, and loves to be around her sisters. She is growing up so fast all of the sudden, and I love how she always has a hug or kiss for me. I love her, too, and hope she never forgets it!
And who else, besides Harper, has the cutest dimple and endless smiles? She is the happiest baby, and loves to interact and be social. She is such a sweetheart, and I can’t get enough of her. I want her to always know how much she is loved.
I don’t want to ever look back on this time and regret not embracing the stages they are all in, and regret not enjoying them for the wonderful little people that they are. I love them so much, and don’t know how to say it any stronger than that. I feel so blessed and humbled to be their mom, and so grateful to have made this family with the man I love.
Maybe it’s lame to post song lyrics on here, but I’m going to post some of them anyway.
“Your little hand's wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up
Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone”
It’s okay if you are crying. I’m crying. Again. (And did earlier while listening to this song in the car, too). Just grab a tissue and remember to be thankful for your own blessings, whatever or whoever they may be.
